Toxic people CAN change.

I saw a post that stated,” A toxic person will never change, they just change victims and blame everything on everybody else!” 

I completely disagree. I, for one, was toxic. I changed. 

Yes, it took time, yes, I brought people down, yes I blamed everyone else for EVERYTHING. 

I was wrong. So very wrong. But I changed. 

A statement like this gives people an excuse to just dismiss someone from God’s grace because “they’re toxic” “they can’t change!” 

This statement, this BELIEF is part of the problem. This belief is TOXIC.

Anyone can change! Stop telling the world they can’t change. 

When I was toxic (granted, I’m not perfect now and still mess up often) I thought I couldn’t change.

I knew how I treated people was wrong, I even apologized most of the time... but I felt like I had no control. I tried to change. I went to therapy. I read books. I prayed. I fasted. But I still went back to my toxic nature. 

Part of the issue was that I didn’t know I was, what the world now loudly calls, “toxic,” I just new something was wrong with me, I didn’t feel like myself, and nothing I tried to do to fix it worked. 

The first step, for me, was believing I could change. 

I heard a message by Pastor Steven Furtick. In it he stated, “Choices become Habits, which become Automatic, which becomes your Identity, which becomes your Nature.” 

It’s a CHAIN. 

This opened my eyes to the fact that something I identified with, being toxic, was not who I was, it didn’t need to be my nature; at one point everything I had “become” was once a choice. If that was the case, I could choose to change my nature. I could change my habits. I could actually stop being a person I had grown to hate. 

I believe God opened my eyes that day. He helped me see myself the way He sees me. He loved me just as much at my lowest point as He does now. He loved me in my blindness just as much as He does when I can see things so clearly. 

My identity does not come from who the world says I am anymore. To them, I’m a toxic person who cannot change, to them, I’m someone who doesn’t deserve any more chances, to them, I’m the one person they can justify cutting out. 

To God, I’m His daughter, I’m His beloved, I’m the apple of His eye. 

I’m sorry for the person I was. I’m sorry I had toxicity living in me. I’m sorry I couldn’t see how much I was hurting people, how much I was hurting myself; but you’re wrong, toxic people can change. Perhaps you know a toxic person, who you lost hope in, who tears you down, who hurts you deeply, who blames everything on everyone else, who never seems to see their wrong; perhaps they need you to believe in them, because they may not be able to believe in themselves. 

We all need God’s grace. We are all loved deeply by Him, as Christians, isn’t it our calling to be that love to everyone? Even toxic people who “can’t change?” 

For God so loved the world (toxic people like you and me.)

Let’s stop pointing fingers. Let’s just work on getting the toxicity out of our own lives and have grace for those who are struggling. 

-Toxic Christian

The day I realized I was toxic.

A little over two years ago I began my healing journey. 

With the healing came much pain and self discovery. 

I was struggling with severe anxiety and depression and God healed me. It was an amazing experience that I will share about at another time, in another blog... 

With that healing, I began a mission to “manage my miracle.” As Steven Furtick would say. 

I began reading, seeing doctors, focusing on making sure I never sank to the place I had been again. 

I was reading an article, honestly I don’t remember what the exact article was, but it began listing the traits of a “toxic friend.” 

As I was reading it, I suddenly realized that I encompassed most of the toxic traits. Whether it was jealousy, selfishness, anger, manipulation, control, negative communication, or disrespect; I displayed all of those traits at one time or another and more. 

As time went on, those traits had become more and more of the identity I portrayed to the world. It was the identity I had come to own, it was the identity people had come to see me as. I had become toxic. 

Thankfully, God pointed these things out to me as I was moving forward in my healing journey. It was hard looking back and realizing all the times my toxicity had taken over in life. I hated seeing the truth of who I had been and how my toxic nature negatively affected people I loved. 

Yet, I was so grateful that I was able to finally see the truth. I was finally able to stop pointing the finger at others and own my toxic junk. 

I spent years being angry at others. Blaming them for my issues and pain. Blaming them for where I was at in life. Blaming them for my problems. 

Despite the fact that there are definitely things out of our control that happen to us; we have no right to blame others. 

Bad stuff happens. People can be jerks. Doors get slammed shut in our faces. We get rejected, lied to, cheated on, and abused. If we take the pain of that rejection, the hurt of the lies, the disrepair of the cheating and abuse and turn it into bitterness and anger; that is on us. 

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”

Ephesians 4:31-32 NLT

I finally realized that no matter the circumstances I experienced in life, the state of my heart was truly all that mattered and I was the only one to blame for letting my heart get chained in bitterness and negativity. 

It was then that I stopped blaming others and continued my journey of managing my miracle. 

-Toxic Christian 

NEW

He makes all things new.

I didn’t believe that for quite some time. I have been a believer in Jesus, pretty much, my whole life. My dad was a pastor. I went to church a few times a week. I went to all the church camps and youth conventions. I even knew that I, too, was called into ministry.

I pursued my calling at a Christian University and from there I began a career as a youth pastor.

As I grew older, I grew in my faith in God in many ways; however, I also started to lose my faith in people. I experienced many hurts and pains in ministry that began to build a chain of resentment and bitterness in my heart.

I experienced depression, anxiety, bitterness, hatred, and extreme anger towards people and towards God. I became toxic. Yet, I remained Christian.

This blog is my journey. It’s nowhere near over. However, I now know that God certainly does make all things new.

I hope that my story will help you see that you too can become new again. Because, trust me, at times it seems like it has to happen over and over. I’ve realized however, that that is just part of the process. The pruning of the toxic junk that sometimes makes it seem like we never really move forward at all.

I believe that God wants me to share my story and I believe it’s much more for me than it is for you. A reminder that He really does miracles. A reminder that I am a miracle and you can be too.

Thanks for joining me as I share my past and journey through my present.

~Toxic Christian